Are we a product of our...

Are we products of our habits?

Do we live our lives habitually? Is there some point- when we get the job that we want, the mate that we want, the house that we want- where we stop thinking about what is going on and we just "do" without having to think? Can we turn into automated humans even before we get to the place that is our goal?

How often do you think about what you're doing and why you're doing it? For example, I go to the bathroom regularly, just as anyone else might. Just like anyone else, once I step through the doorway I turn on the lights. Why? Is it because I need light? No. During the day the window gives more than enough light to read by, or do anything else that i might be doing. Actually, at night I intentionally don't turn on the light because it hurts my eyes, so in actuality I never NEED the light. The amount of extra light I would have in the daytime is negligible. So, why do I turn the light on? Because I have been doing it for over 20 years. So, what if I don't turn the light on? Will that change things? No. Its not about turning the light on or off every time. Its about thinking about what is going on around me, deciding if I need the light, and then making conscious, in the moment decisions about my actions. What would happen if this became the norm instead of habitual action? I would become less of a machine, less of a creature acting on impulses programmed into head by years of repetition.

Are we products of our emotions?

Two days ago I was a victim of theft. My bikes were stolen. Given the option, I would have inflicted bodily harm on the people who did this. I have thought a great deal about this. Something inside me, deep down inside, makes me want to hurt them. I feel anger and revulsion towards these two people I don't even know, and I want to harm them. Some describe this as "seeing red." As I experience this feeling, I wonder to myself what then is the difference between me and a predator given the option to kill prey. They too do not think about peripheral circumstances and have only one purpose, one feeling. They want to hurt something else.

Although I am not terribly upset at the loss of my bikes, the premise still angers me. And yet, as a Christian, I wonder how to conquer or rise above my base feeling. I wonder if I do indeed ever come across my bikes, with someone else on them, what will I do? Will I be overcome by anger and lash out? Or can I not be a product of this dangerous emotion?

I am thinking a lot about the bikes, and since I have the power to think about people in order to come across them, I think i might see my bikes again. So, time will tell the answers to my questions....

Being 28

My original intention was to write about the day I turned 28. So, here goes....

Woke up at 11:00. Went to church at 11:30
After that, went to Aldi's. Ran into an old friend who is now married and has a 6 month old kid.
Around 2ish, I went to tutor the 6th grader I work with. She is having trouble with fractions, which apparently is the only thing they study in 6th grade math. Fractions come in approximately 327 different forms.
Once I was done tutoring, I came home (i.e. Justin's living room), got my creek stuff, and went out to Harrisburg to look for some mill dams. I trespassed on some property to get to the river, talked to the owner (he was wary of me on his land), and then proceeded to not find a dam(n) thing. From there, I drove to where i thought another dam used to be, and could find nothing there either.
Went home. Played online poker. Went to bed.

Not very interested, if you ask me.

Do y'all remember what your 28th bday was like? do you have big anticipation about what it will be like?

For me, I could never have anticipated I would be here: back in grad school, living in a friend's living room, single, and spending large amounts of my time chasing the dream of someday fighting in a cage at 135 lbs. I really thought that at this point I would at least be married. Thank goodness I am not though. I wouldn't have the time.

I have noticed that this phase of age seems to be "friends getting divorced." I liked much better the "friends getting married" and the "friends having kids" phases.

It seems the rich engineer plan has fallen through also. Now, I am on the plan to finish my graduate degree and get an Earth Sciences job. If only Bridget had never convinced me to study some geology in grad school and Nicole had never convinced me to move to Atlanta.

The sunday church message about re-centering oneself in an effort to become "the one" (i.e. that person that someone else thinks they are meant to be with) made a lot of sense. We, and particularly I, have spent lots of time trying to find "the one," that person that fantasy and romance media tells us we are meant to be with. Doing this means you lose focus on defining yourself...I lost focus on defining myself as a Christian who is called to serve and love not just one woman, but everyone. Thus is my birthday present to myself...and it is hopefully a birthday present I will remember and use for many years to come.




Otherwise, I will be going to the beach to see a friend who is graduating...and giving myself the other birthday presents of margaritas.