no comments? anyone out there?

I thought for sure my last post would receive some feedback. I guess nobody out there is actually reading this...yes, some might call it garbage. Either way, it allows me to delete the info from my brain so i can reformat every so often. Probably will be doing that for the new year, what with the crappy ending of '08...

But, seriously speaking my life has been pretty good. I may have mentioned this already, but I really do feel it. Just by being able to sit at this computer I have more wealth than most people will ever get in their lifetime, and by being able to type on a blog, i have more freedom than all of China.

And I really do feel as though my life has some sort of large guidance to it. I think providence is the word for it. As I am sorting things out and trying to figure out where to go post-Nicole, I find that there are a lot of things that are aiding me. Strangely, these are things that were already around as well. Three of the most prevalent (meaning that I have noticed the most) are listed below:

Music
Wow...so all the heavy emo I listen to is about people thinking their lives are over now that their girlfriend has broken up with them. Overactive i think. It definitely keeps me grounded, seeing that they aren't. So, then i put on some hip hop/ R&B. All the girls sing about how they miss their boyfriends and the guys sing about missing their girlfriends too. Leona Lewis (sp?) has a song who's core principle is "it will all get better in time." I had heard this song many times before, but it really seemed to make more sense to me and where I am at now. Then, I turn the station and hear some ridiculous Ludacris song, and my spirit is lifted. Or I hear Lil' Wayne sing about how all his friends are dead, and I remember that I am blessed.

Church
Immediately following Nicole's departure, Mosaic had a series called "Blues." It was about the hardships life throws at us, and it was about finding true joy, not the kind that leaves along with your girlfriend. I couldn't believe how fitting it was. Now, I am throwing myself into small groups as well, and I really feel like maybe this is for the better. Maybe had lost a little bit of touch with God, having relied more on a relationship to provide what it couldn't, fulfillment.

Friends
Posting a relationship change or a status update on facebook really brings 'em out of the woodwork. You find out who is watching you, and who is watching over you, and who will help in whatever way they can, even if they are in Minnesota. I have also reconnected with many of my older friends, just to sort of tap them for knowledge about their experiences. They have lent their many ears to my self-pity, and in so doing allowed me to hear myself. Then, I can, again, put things in real perspective. I have great friends...friends i consider family. Someday when I have found a way to get rich (and found a way to do it biblically), I will buy you all amazing things. I promise.

In the mean time, Happy New Year!

Family

So, I wrote a post, and then I changed most of it while writing, and now I have gone back and rewritten it. I don't want to come off as unappreciative as family, and I had done exactly that. Maybe I am unappreciative. Dang it, I hope not. Anyway...revision two:

As I drove back to Charlotte yesterday, I had a little bit of time to think about family. When I say I had a little bit of time, I mean I spent over 8 hours, driving, by myself. Despite my efforts to change the radio station every 10 minutes to avoid, I kept getting caught singing along with Beyonce (If I were a boy). I know what you're thinking. Why didn't I just change the station when she came on? Well, something about that damn song grabs me and pulls me in. I can relate to people addicted to nicotine, because I can definitely feel myself beginning to hate men and I can feel my mental health declining the more I sing to it, but I just cant quit. Sure, it may not hurt me in the long run, but statistics show that 2 out of 3 guys who listen to that song, start singing along with it. Also, 2 out of 3 guys who listen to that song will make the mistake of writing about it on their blog, and then get ridiculed and possibly physically assaulted by their guy friends, for reasons that include but are not limited to: being a pansy, listening to crap, singing along to crap, listening and singing along to crap while being a pansy.

So, yeah, i turned the radio off and began to think about family. Family is tricky. You see, the thing is, they cant fit into the normal paradigm of our interaction with people. There is a special set of rules that apply. Being unappreciative of family is asking for trouble. And yet, may people (myself included) have had huge issues with family. It seems we are allowed to be burdened by them, but if we state that we have an issue, we will get maligned...unless you're joking about family difficulties, in which case it is okay. (that is why the situations can be so tense and weird) And of course, as soon as you admit that family can cause as many problems as they help solve, karma will bite you and somehow wipe out all your friends. then you're screwed.

With normal people, we "collect" and congregate with people we share commonality with. Depending on the importance (in our mind) of the commonality, we will become good friends or casual friends. For example: since I value physical exercise, activity, and the outdoors, my two best friends are guys who like to go hiking, play racquetball, and do whatever other random physical adventure we can think of. For many guys, one of the biggest commonalities they will share with another is the combination of sex and children. This leads a man to become friends with his wife...best friends as many will say. I don't intend to insinuate that these men are not in love with their wives. I am not talking about Love here, but rather friendship. This might actually be an explanation for why people stay married after they no longer love each other, but then eventually split once the kids are gone and sex is less importance. If there is no other commonality, then whats the point of staying together? In reference to marriage or friendship, we choose who to be with. So, if the commonality is less strong, we spend less time with the person. When we are with them, we generally exercise the commonality or use that as motivation to do whatever it is that interests all parties involved.

but what about family? We don't choose them (generally speaking). So, what do you do when you are thrust into a situation where you must interact, but there is no common ground? Maybe this is why so many people dread holidays. Socially, we have created these institutions that require us to gather, because we share genes. In some cases we don't even share genes, but share connection of genes by law! So, what do we do. We visit and exercise the commonality that we do have. this usually amounts to a trivial interest in each other (so, whats new since I saw you 4 years ago?) and also...food.

**Disclaimer: I feel like there is some small aspect of this in all families. I don't feel like it is a large part of the family i visit and see, but there are definitely people i see when i go to the west coast that I have this type of relationship with.**

So, now you have to eat and make small talk until you're too tired to care that you're so bored and tired of eating that eventually you fall asleep at 2 in the afternoon. Then you wake up, make another couple hours of small talk about how you just woke from sleeping because you ate some more, and then you get hungry, so you eat some more. And then you watch a movie. On the up side, you do get to eat tons of food.

If for some reason all your friends are wiped out, family is there by natural law. Your family is supposed to be there for you. They are required to listen to your troubles and give ear to ranting and ravings.

there is something intangible as well though. Somehow, just being around family is nice. You could be in a vacuum unable to make noise, but being next to a family member is comforting. Or, maybe its only comforting because deep down we feel really kind of sad if its cold out, and its a holiday, and we are not with family. Or, maybe this is some kind of proximal effect of familiar Love. Who knows. you can still be around someone who comforts you and be bored though (boredom seems to be a common reason for divorce, and comfort seems a reason to delay it)

Of course, if things are optimal, you'll love football, and then you and the cousins can all play tackle in the backyard while the adults do the small talk/ eat/ sleep cycling.

Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year as well.

The big day is near

Happy Christmas eve to everyone...and by everyone I mean the whole world (whether or not I actually know you and whether or not you are reading this).

If you haven't yet finished your shopping (which i think is impossible, if you are getting everything for tomorrow morning), there is one item that everyone in America should have. Actually, technically, we should have 1.6 of them, for our 1.6 cars. Everyone needs jumper cables. I went ahead and got everyone jumper cables, and I am sticking beside my belief that its the perfect the

Also, people are getting soap this year. Nicole decided to make soap, and I actually came to embrace the idea. I made some grapefruit soap. I am a little worried the grapefruit might go bad inside the stuff. We'll find out. (just for clarification, we really just did melt and pour soap, not the kind where you have to actually render fat and add lye and all that other difficult and dangerous stuff)

So, enjoy the soap and jumper cables. Help out a stranger...by either starting their dead car or by washing their hands.

Merry Christmas.

Saving Lids, Saving Lives

So, every time I see that yoplait is doing this "fundraising" thing with their lids, I participate. Today, as I was stuffing an envelope with 26 lids, I wondered if it really made any difference. When I was in NCCC, me and my team collected the lids. I dont remember how many we got then, but I remember doing it. For every lid sent back to them, they donate 10 cents to a research organization for cancer. It might just be breast cancer actually. I dont even know anymore. I see pink and all I think about is breast cancer. My mother died of breast cancer, but that doesnt even come to my mind. It goes from yogurt to pink top to breast cancer. Then I think about the fake ribbon magnets I see on cars. Then I wonder how much money that person in front of me gave to research. Then I wonder if they feel like they are doing their part, by buying a magnet and displaying it. They probably think that it is good that they are raising awareness. Maybe I have been reading too much Dennis Miller, but I am wondering if maybe we shouldnt all switch from "raising awareness" to actually "doing something". You should only be allowed to display a magnet if youre doing something. You can only wear a yellow wrist band because you let Lance Armstrong sleep in your bed while you slept on the couch, the night before he spoke in your hometown. You can only be a S.A.D.D. because you have no friends, because youre a crazed vigilante who pulls your peers out of their cars before they turn them on, beat the crap out of them for almost endangering others, and then you drive them home, safely. Your M.A.D.D. because you taught your kid how to do what I just said.



Raising awareness sure as hell isnt going to fix problems. Its going to get me to collect yogurt lids over a long time, eat yogurt i normally wont (so yoplait can make more money), and eventually mail them in, which forces yoplait to cough up a whopping $2.60 for the fight against breast cancer. What someone needs to do is tell me that they are going to whoop my tail unless i give some money to a good cause, or claim they are willing to give more than me so i can prove them wrong, or say that they bet I wont give as much as them...'cause I'll definitely step up to a challenge, and make us both poor in the process!

Give because you can

As the week wound down, I remembered that I had signed up to work with Habitat for Humanity today. Coincidentally, the moment after I signed up to work (which required showing up at 7:30 to catch a ride with a neighbor to be there at 8) I was invited to a Christmas party for last Friday night. It slowly set in that I would be awake late and up early, which never works out well for me. The more I dreaded it though, the more I tried to really look at my difficulty in the light of what other problems people have. For example, some people will never get to a point where they can afford a home. Worse yet, these people will pay so much money in rent, that they are only breaking even or worse (as long as nothing unexpected happens and they don't plan to EVER retire). These are the people that Habitat FH helps. compared to my problem of not wanting to drink late with friends and then get out of bed early, there was no question that I couldn't back out.

If you have the resources to give, then you need to give. A lot of what we have in the U.S. is not a direct result of our own hard work. It is an extreme rarity for someone to actually be able to legitimately claim they did it on their own, rags to riches, just hard work and perseverance. For the most part, we are all standing on the shoulders of giants.

This entry doesn't have some feel good ending where I realized my true calling was to help build houses or everyone there was excessively grateful for my drywall abilities. No, this entry has a real ending. I worked all day with Habitat. I got Sheetrock dust in my eyes and nose. I got very dirty. I was exhausted when I was done, and nobody personally thanked me.

The reward has been paid to me long ago, and I have already spent it. Now, I am just giving some of it back. You should do the same.

2 Wheels good, 4 Wheels bad

There is a certain sense of freedom you feel on a motorcycle.

Today, I rode mine for the first time in a long time. I am really really trying to sell it, but after riding it, I feel like I am going to miss it. It makes exploring that much easier. Plus, it gets great fuel mileage and I can pretty much do a u-turn anywhere, anytime. I notice things a lot more on my bike also. I hear my surrounding more. I am more in touch with the road. I definately am paying more attention to what I am doing, for fear that at any moment my motorcycle might decide to do something beyond my control that will result in catastrophic death. But yeah, its pretty much tons of fun.

I dont have a license plate on my bike either, so I kind of am breaking the law when I ride it...then again, I am pretty much a rebel.

The best and worst thing about Friends

The best thing about friends is that they care about what you care about. So, when I are in love with a woman, they, to some extent, also have feelings for her. This is why they ask about her, and tell you things to tell her, and are happy that you are happy with her.



The worst thing about friends is that when the woman you loved no longer is with you, they dont automatically know. So, they ask about her. Then you tell them that you are no longer together, and since they liked her (because you liked her), its to some extent as though they have also been deprived of her.



And you have to face the fact again and again that you are no longer with the person you loved, 'cause they are all going to ask about her eventually.



The best part about friends is that once they find out you are struggling, they will help you. The girls will be empathetic and they will listen. The guys will tell you that you were too good for her anyway and that is better to be single (unless you get back together. Then the guys go back to saying she is too good for you).

Girl in the NCCC sweatshirt

Today, I was at the mall and I saw a girl wearing an NCCC sweatshirt. It made me feel kind of warm and fuzzy inside. My first impulse was to walk right up to her and start talking to her. Then I doubted myself, and thought that would be weird. So, then I thought for a long time about what to say to start a conversation. Finally, after walking around the store multiple times watching her from a distance, I realized that I was even creeping myself out and I gave up on the plan, which actually never existed.

Sometimes I really feel like my life is being guided or coerced in a certain direction. When I saw this girl, I was feely a little depressed and lonely, and just seeing her sweatshirt made me happier, and I also realized that things will work out.

As you may or may not know, recently I lost my job (at Carrier) and my girlfriend. I was planning on being with Carrier and Nicole both into the foreseeable future. Coincidently, my church just started a series called Blues. I actually missed the first sermon because I planned to go with Nicole to a different church I thought she was going to feel more at home in. We went, and it didnt work. Of course it didnt matter, because she is gone. So, since I didnt have a reason to not go back to my original church (Mosaic), I attended. Blues is about finding true joy, even in rough times. Basically, they must have hired a private eye to see where I was, and then they created a series to help me, personally. It seems like this coincidently happens a lot to me.

And one final stand alone statement in closeing:
One of the great thing about the Blues series is an intro with a guy and his guitar, where he says that, with a small correction or adjustment of your fingers, the Blues turns into a happy and good song.

Operation Christmas Child

OCC (not to be confused with Orange County Choppers, not be confused with Orange County California) is a ministry of Samaritan's Purse that seeks to send shoe boxes of toys to kids all over the world, especially kids in third world countries.

I feel very conflicted about this program. On one hand, I am going to be volunteering probably about 20 hours with these people, I am not sure if the best way to spend that effort is to send them toys. Do kids need toys? How many of these kids need medical treatment or food, but instead end up with toys?

Make no mistake though....these people are dedicated and love what they do. The number of volunteers is astronomical, which is good because the number of shoeboxes is equally astronomical. The scale of this project is pretty incredible. Distributing the boxes is a tremendous undertaking. They go to all continents, often ending up in places that have no signs of modern civilization. They do end up brightening otherwise black-hole-dark lives. I do think that kids should be happy, but this just seems to me to be too much "Americana." All kids should have toys. That's a western view to me.

Furthermore, the program seems to be aimed at spreading the gospel, which I agree is a great idea. However, spreading the gospel to kids using toys seems to me to be a little off. Its lobbying. they are supposed to receive this shoebox as a reminder that God loves them. The shoebox doesn't address any of the real problems they have or will have. If I was one of the kids, I would understand God love. He loves me a shoebox worth, and even though I probably wouldn't have shoes, I would have a box from someone else's.

Maybe this is just me being jaded. Maybe this is just me wishing that all this zeal, all this enthusiasm over toys could somehow be changed to a cause that might genuinely improve the plight of these kids. Any ideas?

Regardless, Merry Christmas.

Crying is ok...Jesus did it

But first a follow up from yesterday...

Somewhere in Luke it says something to the effect of "from those who have been given much, much will be expected." Crap! Thats me. I have been given a lot and now I am called to give back. This is not a calling to a life of ease and pleasure and fun. I'll probably snowboard when I get the chance though.

on to today's topic.

"Jesus wept."

When I was little, I was raised in a single home. My father was not ready to raise me. So, my mother did her best. Largely, this meant days spent in front of the Disney channel. Maybe this was the case of many other people. I thought my upbringing was weird in this sense. Anyway, with my father being substituted for animated ducks and mice, I didnt get much masculine influence. If I were to see myself like then today, I would call myself a pansy. When I went to live with my grandparents, I did a lot of crying. It sort of became this default emotion for me. Right....pansy boy. I was lead to believe (and probably still believe to some extent) that it was weakness, frailty.

As the Mickey Mouse club became a lost memory in my head, I did my best to work on my emotional stability. this meant not crying, even if the situation was indeed sorrowful or sad. I did not want to weep. To me, it was a stupid thing kids did. It was something women did, and it was okay...for them. I probably still cried, but even now thinking about it, I dont remember when, and I especially dont remember doing it around people. I didnt cry in 4 years of college. I had succeeded in becoming what i thought was stronger.

Then I became a Christian and read some books about connecting with pain. the pain of the world is connected to your pain in such a manner that they are one and the same. Christianity is about love, which unfortunately means that pain must be experienced alongside those around us. Now, I feel like I have lost all the ground I have gained. Dammit if I dont cry as soon as anyone within a damn square mile is crying. And yes, it annoys me. But at the same time, I feel stronger and more whole to be able to express sorrow with someone else, even if I dont know them or why they are crying. I feel connected. And I dont feel weak because of it. Its easy to judge when you see someone else crying. People will judge you when you cry. But, when you cry, when that thing happens that brings such raw sorrow to even the most hardened of hearts, know that Jesus cries with you because he loves you. And maybe this is the same strength that makes me cry...cry with and for your sorrow that unfortunately has to exist is this broken, broken world.

Like I said...its not easy.

A lot has changed, but thats not important

Wow. I just read the last post. So much has changed since then. I was once told I had a blessed life. Lately I have doubted this.

1) About a month ago, I lost my position with Carrier. They laid me off, and since I was a contractor, there was no warning. It was just "you aren't working here anymore."

2) I went to have a dentist look at one of my teeth, because I was worried about it. turns out I had some pending work that needed to be done, but was neglected. As a result, I had to get a root canal and a crown. Painful, financially more than physically.

3) I have been with a woman named Nicole for over a year. I saw my future as being with her. Now, she has moved out, as our lives have diverged to the point that we are no longer growing towards each other, and especially we are not growing towards God together. Now, I live in a large, two bedroom apartment, alone. Most of her furniture and stuff is still here, since her Dad has a small apartment, and she is living with him. Worse than no longer having her here to do the routine things we did, I am reminded of her just by being here. I have no choice.

So, I question the blessed life statement. But I shouldn't. Even in my stress and sadness, I still have more than most people. My life is still amazing. And I feel like maybe this is going to lead me closer to Christ. Maybe this is God telling me that I have become too content. Maybe I am not meant to be a well-off engineer, but instead a servant. This is my Job (like the book, not the place you go for money). This is where my faith grows. This is where God uses me to do something amazing. This is where I show what it is to be loved, and to love as Christ has told me to.

Unfortunately, it appears as though its going to be difficult. Its difficult to believe that maybe things will still work out with me and Nicole. Its difficult to believe that maybe we weren't meant to be, and i will yet find someone as amazing as her. Its difficult to believe that I am going to get a job before the money runs out. Its difficult to believe what Jesus says. No amount of proving and thinking will make it any easier. This is where I either turn away from the truth, or I turn towards it. Luckily, I have tattoos that have me already pointed in the right direction. Jesus did the hardest part for me already, now I just got to put my left foot in front of my right, and open my arms to what lies ahead.